Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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