I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
