You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
