I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
