I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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