We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
