I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
