Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
so much tequila, so little girl.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.