Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago