i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.