I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Also, beer. Big fan.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
