That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
