I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
