she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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