I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
