omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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