She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
