dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
