you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
