Yo dont text me then not text me
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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