My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
