Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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