just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
