The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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