She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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