She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
