I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
