I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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