I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
