i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
