Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
