Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
