that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
