i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
