hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
