I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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