sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Randomize
