i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
