Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
