"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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