Betty ford says i'm here all night
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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