There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
