I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
