The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
