We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
