I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
