Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
