It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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