my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
