Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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