just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize