god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
