You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
