Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
