Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
