i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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