Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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