i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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