grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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