All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
