Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh god it's open bar.
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